The very first question many parents often pose to their kids once they return from school is usually "How was your day?" All we're looking for is an insight into their well-being and perhaps some details about what transpired during their time at school.
However, these discussions can be quite challenging. Typically, you might just receive a "good" or "fine" response (assuming you're fortunate enough to get even that).
What makes kids hesitant to share what happened during their day, and how might you prompt them for more specifics?
What makes children reluctant to speak?
School can feel daunting due to the various social, academic, and physical challenges it presents.
It could appear straightforward, yet providing an honest reply to "How was your day at school?" demands significant effort and judgment to condense experiences from a hectic day. Children might also shy away from answering if they believe their parents' reaction could be one of anger, concern, or bewilderment.
Kids tend to feel hungry and exhausted right after school. Their primary thought often revolves around having a snack before engaging in conversation. Considering psychologist Abraham Maslow’s well-known hierarchy of needs, particularly his concept of the " hierarchy of needs ", basic needs such as hunger should be satisfied before focusing on communication and connection.
Children have likewise not completely developed an theory of mind (An ability to empathize with what someone else may be thinking). As such, they could struggle to grasp why their parent is inquiring about school or exactly what information their parent is seeking.
What steps should you take before having a conversation?
Here are various actions you can take to foster a richer dialogue with your kid.
1. Consider the purpose: Consider whether you aim to collect details or just bond with your kid. A simple way to create a heartfelt connection might be saying "It's great to see you" when meeting them at the school entrance. If you're after more detailed insights, pose a straightforward query that doesn’t demand much thought from your child—for instance, asking "Did you take your spelling test today?" instead of posing broader questions like "What did you study?"
3. Check your timing: Rather than questioning your child immediately after school, you might want to wait. More meaningful discussions could occur once they've unwound from their day by playing a favorite game and having a snack, perhaps during dinner or maybe even the following morning on the way to school.
Consider establishing a ritual such as the "rose dinner" to assist your child in formulating their response. During this mealtime conversation, each person at the table recounts their day’s "thorn" (a challenging or bothersome event) followed by their "petal" (an enjoyable moment).
3. Consider the space: Direct interactions can induce stress and seem akin to being interrogated. That's why it's typical for therapists to position their seating at a subtle angle, fostering a serene environment that makes it simpler to share challenging matters.
Therefore, engage in activities alongside your child. This could include going for walks or drives, working on crafts, building LEGO structures, participating in sports, or preparing meals together. Your child might bring up something naturally—or you can initiate the dialogue by sharing details of your own day initially.
Time to chat
To ensure a pleasant, secure setting for your child during the conversation, keep these additional four points in mind.
1. Really listen: If your child starts talking, give them your complete focus and excitement (that means setting aside your phone). If you're preoccupied with formulating your response while they speak, this isn’t high-quality listening .
Demonstrate your attentiveness by restating what they're saying or acknowledging their emotions. This assists them in feeling heard and comprehended.
Should your kid share something significant with you and they feel like you're not backing them up or paying attention, you're making them less likely to open up in the future .
2. Show compassion and curiosity: The desire to safeguard our children is powerful, yet rather than attempting to "fix" or instruct them during conversations, embrace moments of quietness and pose thoughtful inquiries. Curiosity. assists us in demonstrating our concern , enabling the child to have ownership of their own experiences and emotions instead of parents dictating how they should feel.
For instance, instead of reacting with indignation ("that's awful of Nick!"), one might respond to "Nick said I can't play with him" with "how did that make you feel?"
3. Celebrate strengths: when your kid is speaking, pay attention to implicit strengths and values In what your child has shared, acknowledging an aspect of strength or skill can bolster their self-esteem. For instance, "It seems that made you feel upset because you care about justice."
4. Follow up If your kid talks about future happenings, follow up with them. For instance, "a week ago, you said you were anxious about the basketball tryouts; how do you feel about it now?" This approach demonstrates that you've been paying attention.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach; every discussion varies based on those involved. Hence, feel free to try out these suggestions and observe which ones resonate best with you and your child.
Madeleine Fraser does not have any employment, consulting relationships, share ownership, or receives financial support from any entity that could gain from this article. She has declared no additional associations apart from her academic position.