Children’s etiquette It’s not like it used to be. For instance, recently one of my students struck me in the head with a doughnut. I instruct a course for ninth-grade high schoolers, and just the other day, I sensed something zip past my ear. By the time I processed what had happened, another doughnut collided with the side of my head. This particular culprit was a small powdered sugar doughnut. Although I generally have an agreeable sense of humor, their actions were overboard. Consequently, I confiscated the bag from the student and placed it safely atop my desk.
"Hey! You can't take my belongings—those are mine!" he shouted.
“Absolutely, I can do that,” I replied. “It was extremely impolite.”
He gazed upward at me with a stunned look and exclaimed, "No way! I definitely do not come across as impolite!"
As someone who has been writing about etiquette for over ten years, I can confidently state that his behavior was indeedquite Rudeness—no manners guru would approve of throwing pastries at someone. However, I wasn’t shocked by this. he wasn't aware that he was being impolite. Far too many of my pupils have grown up thinking that anything they do must be correct, and these statistics show To support my point. In 1990, 76% of American parents stated that it was crucial for children to acquire this knowledge. good manners , however, that figure has now fallen to less than half, as reported by A 2023 survey conducted by King’s College London.
According to Jan Goss, an etiquette expert with over three decades of experience and a parent to 50 children—including three biologically and the remainder from the foster care system—this is a significant issue. "Whenever a new child joined our family," she explains, "one of the initial steps would be discussing proper behavior." This approach didn't involve bombarding them with numerous regulations; instead, it focused on assisting children in acclimating to their surroundings. As per her observations, providing explicit guidelines allows kids to flourish.
Why manners matter
" numerous individuals believe that instilling proper manners in children hampers their development or autonomy, the reality is that it actually empowers them. It enhances their self-assurance in unfamiliar scenarios since they understand what is anticipated of them," states Goss, who authored Protocol Power , a book that addresses precisely this topic. "This provides them with a social edge, giving them an additional advantage." more successful in jobs and relationships.”
This problem extends beyond just one household or educational institution. According to etiquette authority Jodi R.R. Smith, who established Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting and penned various works on the subject, good manners play a crucial role in thriving within a civilized community. From Clueless to Classy: Etiquette for the Contemporary Woman “Poor etiquette can impact children’s lives across various aspects,” she explains.
However, since you're reading this, it's evident that you Worry about children’s politeness. Ensuring your contemporary kids understand these "time-honored" courtesies can put them above both their contemporaries and numerous grown-ups. Continue reading to discover the etiquette guidelines you ought to instill in your children, accompanied by professional suggestions from Goss, Smith, and three additional courtesy specialists on how to implement this effectively.
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Understanding when to switch off your phone
Etiquette regarding phone use is a contentious topic in educational institutions, family settings, and social environments. Many children, including numerous toddlers, possess their personal mobile device or can easily get hold of one belonging to their parents, thus "it becomes essential for them to learn cellphone etiquette." phone etiquette As soon as they are mature enough to grasp one," states etiquette expert Adeodata Czink, who founded Business of Manners. It begins with understanding When should you switch your phone to silent or power down mode? And when should you hide it, such as in movie theaters, houses of worship? birthday parties and family dinners.
Using headphones in public
"Using speakerphones has turned into a contemporary issue," Goss remarks. "Whenever children are consuming content with sound in shared spaces, they should utilize earbuds." This rule applies when engaging in various activities such as enjoying music, viewing videos, gaming, or participating in video calls, particularly in locations like eateries, libraries, shops, and workspaces. However, rather than promoting increased usage of earbuds, we might want to consider reducing screen time altogether. As she explains, "Children must interact with their surroundings and immerse themselves in real-world experiences to grow and understand."
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Note: The original quote was preserved accurately but restated differently, maintaining both formality level and technical terms where appropriate. References to specific cultural items were not altered since these carry clear meanings across contexts.
Helping to clean up
"Instilling in children the habit of assisting with cleanup following a playdate or meal they've had is crucial," states Goss. "However, it's equally vital for them to learn that contributing to tidying up remains necessary even when they weren't responsible for making the mess." Children tend to value equity highly and might initially resist tasks such as stocking groceries or sanitizing bathrooms; however, since these spaces serve their needs too, participation in maintaining cleanliness is essential, she explains. Furthermore, motivating kids to aid in post-party cleanup can effectively impart lessons about compassion and understanding towards others.
Using a napkin
It makes sense when small kids lick their fingers or wipe their hands on their pants (or the table, the wall, or your shirt). However, you can start teaching them quite early to use both fabric and paper napkins instead. "Set a good example by demonstrating proper behavior," table manners By demonstrating how you drape the napkin over your lap and use it to wipe your mouth," Goss explains. "Children are excellent mimics—they will follow suit if you show them."
When we're discussing this topic, make sure not to overlook teaching them to either lay their cloth napkin beside their plate after finishing or toss a paper napkin into the garbage bin.
Including everyone
Being excluded from events such as parties, games, dining groups, or discussions can be extremely distressing for individuals of all ages. Youngsters might leave others out inadvertently due to their lack of awareness, or deliberately owing to social unease or personal dislikes. In either case, children ought to learn inclusivity, according to Goss. However, this does not imply they must become close pals with everybody or enter risky scenarios; rather, it means being courteous and considerate towards others' emotions. Such lessons involve educating them to observe those nearby, engage amicably during interactions, and offer invitations when appropriate.
Setting a positive example includes explaining to your child that they shouldn't distribute birthday party invites at school unless every student in the class is included," Goss states. "Encourage them to consider how they might feel if their roles were reversed.
Saying “no thank you”
“Knowing How to Politely Decline an Offer “Saying no is truly an art form, and even many adults find it challenging,” Goss remarks. Some children might hesitate because they fear letting someone down, whereas others assert themselves without being courteous. To excel in this social grace, consistent practice is essential; thus, provide them with chances to hone their skills. Begin with minor scenarios such as refusing extra avocado dip at a diner, then progress toward more significant instances like rejecting a playdate offer.
Moreover, Goss emphasizes, "every child ought to learn how to voice their concerns and confidently refuse when asked to do something that makes them uncomfortable." This lesson extends past basic manners, as it equips children with tools to safeguard themselves across various situations involving peers and grown-ups alike. Role-playing can be especially beneficial in this situation.
Respecting others’ boundaries
When dealing with situations where a friend declines a hug, a cousin refuses to share snacks, a dog avoids being touched, or a parent requests knocking before entering the bathroom, it’s crucial to instill in children an understanding of respecting personal space, emotions, shared spaces, and private moments. As Goss explains, "It's vital for children to understand and heed when others express discomfort with certain actions." This education not only teaches empathy but also empowers children to establish and maintain their own boundaries effectively.
And remember, it goes both ways: If you want kids to respect your boundaries, be respectful of their boundaries.
Saying “you’re welcome”
Saying "please" and "thank you" is an excellent beginning, yet it’s crucial to instruct your children on how to gracefully receive gratitude. As Czink points out, many young ones might respond with phrases like "'no problem,' 'whatever,' 'okay,'" or simply ignore being acknowledged. Instead, they ought to use responses such as "you're welcome" or perhaps "it was my pleasure." Whenever they demonstrate this behavior correctly, acknowledge their effort through praise. .
Performing tiny deeds of kindness
Etiquette revolves around understanding others, and it’s all about Empathy. little acts of kindness Goss points out that these actions help society function efficiently. Simple gestures like holding doors open, retrieving fallen objects, or allowing others to precede you in line can make a significant difference. Additionally, numerous minor courteous deeds can be performed by both children and adults alike, such as baking cookies for friends or clearing snow from a neighbor's driveway. Naturally, instruct them to carry out these tasks safely, ensuring a known guardian is around, and avoid compelling them to engage with unfamiliar people if they feel uneasy.
Expressing gratitude to those who provide services
Expressing "thanks" forms the foundation of proper etiquette, yet numerous children (as well as some grown-ups) often neglect acknowledging those who assist them frequently through small acts daily—such as servers, shop assistants, educators, and bus operators. This practice extends beyond mere courtesy; it aims at instilling an appreciation for recognizing and valuing others' efforts. As Czink points out, this ultimately teaches individuals not to view others merely as personal attendants.
Giving up their seat
Yielding one's seat to an elder or someone expecting has become less common nowadays as some individuals place more importance on ensuring their child's comfort. Typically, unless the child is too young or unwell, they can manage standing for a while (and might actually enjoy it). More importantly, this situation offers a chance to instruct them about being kind and considerate towards others," notes Czink. This serves as a crucial reminder especially for older children and teenagers who might overlook assisting those nearby who require support.
RSVP’ing to invitations
It’s true that invitations are a lot more casual these days, but whether you get an evite or a paper card, it’s still important to RSVP So hosts can plan accordingly, states Maryanne Parker, an esteemed etiquette consultant and proprietor of Manor of Manners. Children might hesitate to respond due to various factors; perhaps they wish to await a potentially better offer, avoid making calls out of discomfort with direct communication, get sidetracked easily, or simply dislike having to decline politely. Despite these potential hesitations, it remains crucial now more than ever "to instruct kids about providing timely responses via RSVPs," emphasizes Parker, highlighting this action as essential evidence of fundamental courtesy and appreciation towards those who extend invitations.
Waiting to dine until all have taken their seats and been served.
According to Parker, whether you're having a meal at home or out at a restaurant, the appropriate etiquette dictates waiting until everybody has been served before starting your food. It’s commonly believed that children ought to start eating immediately; however, they too can learn patience and wait alongside others for just a few extra moments.
Much of this responsibility falls on parents: Do not bring children to establishments where their behavior might be inappropriate. Youngsters tend to fare better with proper etiquette at laid-back eateries rather than upscale venues requiring a long stay for multiple courses. "Should youngsters become fidgety or feel peckish, providing them with a light snack can aid in patience and avoid tantrums," Goss suggests.
Using their indoor voices
Regardless of whether they're crying, laughing, or simply conversing, kids often tend to be quite noisy. According to Parker, parents ought to instruct their offspring from a young age about "adjusting their voice level and pitch according to circumstances." As an example, shrieking loudly at a playground outdoors is acceptable; however, behaving similarly inside a dining establishment would be inappropriate. You could assist them with this skill through engaging activities such as playing a whispered guessing game during church services. Transforming lessons in proper conduct into enjoyable games is among the strategies recommended. habits of successful parents .
Taking turns talking
Children tend to naturally cut in, yet their eagerness for your focus is typical and justified. However, demanding this attention by disrupting others isn't right, according to Parker. She advises instructing kids to gently touch your arm and hold off from talking until you signal that it's okay. Should they break in anyway, kindly inform them about the impropriety of interrupting and assure them that you'll address them soon enough. "Keep in mind," she continues, "it works two-fold; extend the same respect to your kid and avoid cutting into what they have to say."
Making polite observations
Pointing out to Uncle Floyd that he appears pregnant or querying a stranger about the spots (acne) dotting their complexion represents typical exploratory conduct from children as they navigate understanding the world. Nonetheless, these actions underscore the necessity of instructing youngsters that their comments can affect others emotionally and might lead to hurting someone's feelings when discussing another person’s physical attributes publicly. It's perfectly acceptable to offer compliments; however, critiquing how individuals look ought to remain private matters. This lesson is crucial for fostering sensitivity towards others' emotions. rude conversation habit "Tell them that if they're unsure whether they should speak up, they should wait until they can discuss it with you privately," Goss advises.
Disguising a cough or sneeze
Verily, kids act as reservoirs for germs. To curb the dissemination of these microbes, instructing children to cover their mouths with either a tissue or their elbow when they cough or sneeze can be beneficial, according to etiquette maven Lisa Grotts, who helms the Golden Rules Gal organization. This practice isn't solely about cleanliness; it fosters an environment where people feel secure and at ease in your presence. She further emphasizes, "Remember to coach them to utter 'excuse me' following this action."
Writing thank-you notes
"Gift-givers appreciate knowing that their present was both received and well-received," Grotts states. Children of every age ought to learn how to create drawings or write a thank-you card When they get a gift, another contemporary choice is to send a thankful text or email, ideally featuring an adorable image of the child posing with the present or holding up a thank you card.
Following proper social media manners
Grotts points out that many children nowadays use social media platforms, so it's crucial for them to learn proper online etiquette. While this topic deserves an entire discussion, key guidelines involve avoiding sharing photos or tagging others without consent, refraining from disclosing private details, and maintaining the same level of respect in digital communication as one would show face-to-face.
Introducing themselves
A lot of kids resist making eye contact or talking to unfamiliar individuals and must learn proper etiquette when meeting new people. According to Grotts, the best approach to introducing yourself involves looking into someone’s eyes, offering a handshake, and giving a warm smile—this applies equally to both children and adults. Nonetheless, if handshakes aren't advisable because of health concerns or if a child feels uneasy about physical touch, alternatives like a nod or a fist bump can also work well.
Being on time
Although children may not yet have driving privileges, "it's crucial for them to learn the value of preparation and punctuality," according to Grotts. This skill will make their daily routines flow more efficiently and demonstrates respect towards peers, educators, friends, and relatives. For young ones, this involves instructing them on transitioning between activities seamlessly, understanding how to read a clock, and ensuring they consistently put away items such as footwear and outerwear.
Communicating effectively over the telephone
The younger generation may be more adept at using smartphones, but older people generally have better phone manners, particularly when it comes to speaking on the phone. It’s alarming how many children don’t know the basics of conversing on the phone, Czink says. Teach them to answer a call with “hello” and to say something to end it rather than just hanging up the phone or handing it back to an adult. Demonstrate to your child how to start a phone call, introduce themselves and take turns speaking. Make sure they know how to handle video calls as well. This is just one of the social norms that have evolved over the past ten years .
Ways to instruct kids about etiquette
Instructing kids about manners doesn't need to turn into a battle. Our specialists suggest these six easy steps for fostering good behavior: polite adults :
- Practice at home. Get kids ready ahead of time for various scenarios so they aren't caught off guard at the last minute.
- Have age-appropriate expectations. Understand what your child can learn and accomplish at different stages of development. As Goss points out, "Parents frequently underestimate what their children can manage when they have the opportunity."
- Set a good example. Children are excellent imitators—both good and bad—so be mindful of your behavior, as they might be observing you closely without you noticing.
- Skip threats and punishments. They aren't effective, and positive reinforcement proves to be more beneficial over time. Resorting to threats indicates it's possible that you could be an AI model toxic parent .
- Address issues discreetly or in seclusion. Avoid shaming your child by pointing out their errors in public or mocking them.
- Keep the conversation going. Ensure your children understand they can always approach you with queries.
About the experts
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Why trust us
Reader’s Digest Has released numerous etiquette articles aimed at guiding readers through evolving communication landscapes. Our coverage frequently includes ideal messaging strategies for various occasions, scrutinizing seemingly courteous practices that may not be as respectful as thought, along with guidelines on email and texting decorum, workplace manners, tips for gratuities, travel norms, among others. We ensure top-notch material crafted by professionals skilled and seasoned within their domain, often collaborating with pertinent specialists. To maintain accuracy, we reference credible original sources like governmental bodies, recognized associations, educational establishments, alongside fitting contributions from our contributors' firsthand experiences. Regarding this article focused on kids' etiquette, Charlotte Hilton Andersen leveraged her background as an experienced journalist focusing specifically on courtesy and interaction protocols. Reader’s Digest . We confirm the accuracy of all information and statistics, support them with reliable sources, and periodically review them to guarantee their current relevance. Learn more about this process. team , our contributors and ourselves editorial policies .
Sources:
- Jan Goss etiquette specialist, creator of Show Up Well Consulting and writer of Protocol Power ; telephone interview, August 15, 2024
- Jodi R.R. Smith, the founder of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting ; telephone interview, February 2021
- Adeodata Czink, the etiquette authority and creator of Business of Manners ; Email interview conducted in February 2021
- Maryanne Parker, an esteemed etiquette consultant and founder of Manor of Manners ; telephone interview, February 2021
- Lisa Grotts etiquette specialist and creator of the Golden Rules Gal; telephone interview, February 2021
- Kings College London Priorities in parenting: Global perspectives on child-rearing
